I Write Talk Show Jokes

Pope says no to artificial procreation

admin — Tue, 28 Feb 2012 18:18:48 +0000

Pope Benedict said infertile couples should not attempt artificial procreation because it is a “form of arrogance”. Then he put on a massive gold hat.

Schwarzenegger puts acting career on hold

admin — Sat, 21 May 2011 09:19:45 +0000

Arnold Schwarzenegger has put his acting career on hold to sort out his personal affairs. Next year’s Oscar contenders are breathing a collective sigh of relief.

American Idol audience member too heavy to sit up front

admin — Mon, 02 May 2011 23:42:24 +0000

An audience member on American Idol claims she was moved from her front-row seat last week because of her weight. Producers of the show said “that’s simply untrue…we moved her because she’s ugly”.

LOL and OMG added to dictionary

admin — Tue, 29 Mar 2011 07:14:07 +0000

The words LOL, OMG and ‘muffin top’ were officially added to The Oxford English Dictionary today. The words ‘hope’ and ‘future’ were removed.

Nate Dogg funeral

admin — Tue, 29 Mar 2011 07:09:03 +0000

Today’s funeral for rapper Nate Dogg was attended by friends Snoop Dogg, The Game, Dr. Dre, DJ Quik, DJ Pooh, Mack-10, Battlecat, Xzibit, Daz and Kurupt. It was the largest gathering of rappers and Transformers in recent memory.

Inventor of Super Glue dead

admin — Tue, 29 Mar 2011 00:01:33 +0000

Harry Coover, the inventor of Super Glue, died today in Tennessee at age 94. He will be buried on Wednesday along with a bunch of stuff that’s stuck to him.

Reese Witherspoon married

admin — Mon, 28 Mar 2011 07:06:27 +0000

Reese Witherspoon married Hollywood agent Jim Toth on Saturday. Should they divorce, Toth will get half of Witherspoon’s money, plus 10 percent.

Grey’s Anatomy’s musical episode 2

admin — Sun, 13 Mar 2011 11:06:13 +0000

A sing-along musical episode of the TV show Grey’s Anatomy will be airing soon. Producers came up with the idea after realizing they had ratings to burn.

Grey’s Anatomy’s musical episode

admin — Sun, 13 Mar 2011 11:05:35 +0000

A sing-along musical episode of the TV show Grey’s Anatomy will be airing in March. Coincidentally, in an upcoming episode of Glee, the cast will ditch the songs and take turns botching heart surgery.

Phil Collins retires

admin — Sun, 13 Mar 2011 11:03:34 +0000

Phil Collins announced his retirement from the music business. Saddened fans across the globe gathered in elevators to sing along to his hits.

Charlie Sheen Live: My Violent Torpedo of Truth

admin — Sun, 13 Mar 2011 10:48:46 +0000

Tickets went on sale this weekend for Charlie Sheen’s new stage show called “Charlie Sheen Live: My Violent Torpedo of Truth”. It’s being hailed as the event of the year for people who like to pay for their Charlie Sheen news.

PETA protests Mike Tyson

admin — Sun, 13 Mar 2011 01:15:53 +0000

PETA supporters demonstrated outside Mike Tyson’s house to protest his participation in pigeon racing. They claim his private jet gives him an unfair advantage.

Survivor renewed

admin — Fri, 11 Mar 2011 23:52:21 +0000

CBS renewed Survivor for two more seasons with Jeff Probst as host. They figured sticking with Probst would keep the show less unwatchable.

Hiding Charlie Sheen news

admin — Fri, 11 Mar 2011 21:54:28 +0000

A new application hides any news about Charlie Sheen from your web browser. It’s called ‘Japan Earthquake’.

Charlie Sheen’s intern

admin — Fri, 11 Mar 2011 21:50:11 +0000

74 thousand people applied to be Charlie Sheen’s intern. Sheen said a lot of applicants look great but that so far he’s leaning towards Emelio Estevez.

Charlie Sheen said firing him was illegal

admin — Wed, 09 Mar 2011 22:43:52 +0000

Charlie Sheen said that the decision to fire him from “Two and a Half Man” was illegal, unlike drugs and prostitution.

Charlie Sheen’s Twitter record

admin — Fri, 04 Mar 2011 01:43:50 +0000

Charlie Sheen broke a record by reaching 1 million followers on Twitter in one day. Unfortunately, most of his followers have normal brains and cannot process his tweets.

Felony to take picture of a farm

admin — Tue, 01 Mar 2011 09:35:21 +0000

Legislators in Florida are considering a law that would make it a felony to take a picture of a farm. It would still be legal, however, to rig an election.

Larry King’s one-man show

admin — Tue, 01 Mar 2011 09:33:42 +0000

Larry King is on tour performing a one-man show about his life and career. Critics are hailing it as “a must-see show for his entire family”.

Charlie Sheen is on Charlie Sheen

admin — Mon, 28 Feb 2011 06:17:20 +0000

Charlie Sheen told ABC news ‘I am on a drug – it’s called Charlie Sheen’. In other news, a man was arrested today at Miami airport for smuggling a kilo of Charlie Sheen.

Breast milk ice cream

admin — Fri, 25 Feb 2011 09:55:24 +0000

A store in London is serving ice cream made with human breast milk. The store’s owner claims the ice cream is 100% natural and that he only uses milk from free-range women.

Two And A Half Men canceled for the rest of the season

admin — Fri, 25 Feb 2011 09:53:56 +0000

Top-rated sitcom ‘Two And A Half Men’ was canceled for the rest of the season after star Charlie Sheen called the show’s producer Chuck Levine a ‘contaminated little maggot’ and wished him ‘nothing but pain’ in a public letter. A furious Levine, who’s made millions off the sitcom, swore he’d never work with Sheen again until next season.

Charlie Sheen says being sober is boring

admin — Fri, 18 Feb 2011 01:21:55 +0000

Charlie Sheen told reporters that being sober is boring and he has no intention of mending his ways. Producers of Sheen’s sitcom “Two And A Half Men” said they don’t care either way, as long as he’s able to consistently deliver his signature wooden performance.

Glee beats Elvis’ record

admin — Fri, 18 Feb 2011 01:19:45 +0000

The cast of “Glee” has beaten Elvis Presley’s record for having the most songs on the Billboard Hot 100 charts in history. Who knew recording covers of songs that used to be on the Billboard Hot 100 charts would do so well?

Computer wins at Jeopardy

admin — Thu, 17 Feb 2011 19:01:56 +0000

An IBM super-computer named Watson competed against two former champions on Jeopardy this week and beat both of them with ease. After the match, one of the players claimed Watson was cheating by looking up answers on a computer.

Lance Armstrong retires

admin — Thu, 17 Feb 2011 19:01:07 +0000

Tour de France winner Lance Armstrong announced Wednesday he is retiring from professional cycling at the age of 39. Armstrong said he loves the sport but wants to spend more time with his testicle.

Uncle Leo died

admin — Thu, 17 Feb 2011 18:59:15 +0000

Len Lesser, the actor who played Uncle Leo on Seinfeld, died yesterday. When reached for comment, Michael Richards said people often got the two of them confused, and that it’s a shame that the man who played Uncle Leo will only be remembered for his infamous racist outburst at the Laugh Factory.

Jimmy Buffett fell

admin — Thu, 17 Feb 2011 18:57:38 +0000

Jimmy Buffett fell off stage during a concert in Australia and was knocked unconscious. No one knows for sure why he fell, but some people claim that there’s a woman to blame.

Subpoena for WikiLeaks’ Twitter account

admin — Fri, 14 Jan 2011 21:54:48 +0000

U.S. officials issued a subpoena for details about WikiLeaks’ Twitter account. The subpoena was rejected, however, because it was more than 140 characters.

Peter Fonda finds dead body

admin — Thu, 13 Jan 2011 21:52:51 +0000

Peter Fonda called police after he discovered a dead body in a car in Los Angeles. As far as reporters can tell, that’s the first thing that’s happened to Peter in 20 years.